Just a recount.. cos my dear close friend asked me last night abt this.. all right I promised you to post it. so here it is.

I’ve almost died 3 times. If it wasn’t for god’s intervention, maybe I would have. 3 times is a lot. These are true accounts. Believe it or not.

in k2, I wanted to know if electricity passed through all phone sockets when the phone rings, or just the socket where the phone is attached to. I smartly put my finger into another socket that had nothing plugged in. when the phone rang, I burnt my finger, and a shock coursed through my body. I was in shock for the next minute or so. Well, I survived. =)

in p2, I took swimming lessons. I was learning to paddle at the edge with a whole row of other kids. I thought I would be able to hold myself with my arms, and paddle to touch the cold water, you know, like doing dips, but I slipped and went into the water, not knowing how to swim. And so I flailed my arms about in the water.. hoping to get my mum’s attention cos my coach was at the other end away from me.. but my mum was talking to another lady and didn’t see me. I tried to struggle to the edge, but yea, I didn’t know how to swim then, and it was the deep end of the pool.. well done.. I thought I was going to pass out.. was really scared for the first time in my life. but somehow I felt I could breathe underwater. It was controlled breathing. Slow, with little air entering my lungs. But I could breathe. Slow, little air exchange, but I somehow could breathe underwater.. went like this for 4, 5 breaths, before my instructor realized and brought me up.. blew up a lot of water from my nose after that.. really painful.. and I lived again.

in p4, I had a fever of 42 degrees, lasted a week, kept vomiting everything I ate. Almost admitted to hospital. Accompanied with an excruciating headache, and my room felt as if I was in a spinning top.. well, on the last night, I was wrapped in a blanket wearing long sleeves and long pants.. and I started perspiring really bad. The next day, I woke up and I was cured. I felt perfectly fine and I could walk and run.

And so, my dear friend, this is the reason why I believe there is a god, whether or not your impression of him is a good one or not, my god is a good god. God doesn’t need you to believe in the interpretations of his words by his followers, but he wants you to believe in him. He may not exist, but the spirit of god stands for all that is good, all that is miraculous and unexplained good, the reason why we don’t start killing each other now, but live in harmony. God is an epitome of all that is good. He exists because people believe in his existence. And it’s not possible for him to die, least all man cease to believe in him, including all his followers. Which is not possible, since all man seek good and peace, and he is an embodiment of these.

My dear friend, if you must believe, god made us in his image. And we all have some of god in us. He let me live for a reason. But I don’t know what it is. Don’t worry, I’ll stay alive just to fulfill it. maybe it’s his way of not letting me know so that I’ll live on for him. Dear god, I’ve never prayed frequently to you, always seeking your help only in times of my need, but I’ve lived by the good that you’ve shown to me, and I’ll share it among all around me, to let them see the path you’ve always wanted them to take. I’ve not been a good child, I’ve fought, I’ve almost killed, I’ve hurt a lot of people that could have been reformed by you. I’ve never learnt to forgive and forget. That’s why I’m not good enough to believe in you. I’m tainted, like the chaotic angel of balance that you threw down from the heavens. I’m not good enough to believe in you. I’ve never learnt how to trust. I’ve never believed in the kindness of human nature cos it’s so hard to see it. and yes, I’ve never tried to see it, cos it’s so hard to in the place where I’m in.

hey darling, you mum’s a shot over the board. Maybe people like her will become angels, but it doesn’t mean that people like you won’t. believe in yourself, you’re god’s creation too.. you’re here for a purpose, don’t shun away from it. I’ll be with you all the way, cos I guess that’s what god wants me to do. To guide lost souls to a less darkened path. I don’t believe in God the way your mum does, or the way my godbro and godsis do.. I’ve never sang his praise daily, or weekly for that matter. “power of your love” sounded nice and was meaningful, so I made a solo out of it. I didn’t make it just cos I wanted to praise god, I just thought that god loved everyone, and it was a lovely song, so I did it. a solo piece that would soothe the hearts of most people. A piece dedicated to god. But not done because of him.

take care dear, don’t stress yourself over these things. Even if her interpretation is true, I’ll burn in hell with you. but god won’t let that happen, will he? I’m a bad guy, but he still cares about me.. he still saved me.. maybe he won’t if I continue to endanger my life. Maybe god will get my blood to kill me before I can contaminate my karma too much that I can’t rise to heaven.. Hahax.. He’s watching over us, over me as I type this to you. But he’s not telling me anything. Nothing on whether what I’m typing is right or wrong. but for one thing, though I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, I know that it’s a truth I’m typing, and not a lie. Haven’t told a lie in 2 years, if you don’t count cover-ups and jokes. I know he’s watching over me, and he’ll catch my hand if I fall to hell. Don’t worry, cos I’ll catch yours.

Going back to my mugging now.. tmr’s GP test.. and the whole week of tests.. god, guide me through will you? =) sweet peace dear.

slashed at 2:21 PM .

Thursday, March 19, 2009 .

I need to freeze my heart. like now. seriously.. if i see you every time i close my eyes, then i can't focus on my work when i open them again.. gah.. wad's wrong with me. oh well.. at least this yr i dun have tt recurring dream lk last yr n e yr b4.. hahax.. so tt's a gd thing.. i need to think up emo thts to freeze my heart again.. but not letting them spiral into anger is another thing.. cos i can concentrate even less when i'm pissed.. tt's one whole challenge man.. you know what, i actually don't really know what to say now.. dad always told me to do what's right, judging by reason and conscience, and never by emotions. i've always done that. i could do that years ago. but why not now? sry dad, i've failed to retain my frozen heart.. alright, one effective way to freeze a heart, think up harsh realities.

"Death will come to us successfully, no matter how we try to evade it. Resistance makes the pain last longer." ----- The Rising Power

"He who gives must appreciate the possibility of not receiving anything in return." ----- The Rising Power

"There's no certainty in a relationship. Realize, that every tower built has the possibility of crashing down. The taller it is, the more painful." ----- The Rising Power

Moral of the story - "Never build your towers too high." ok, emo harsh realities quotes.. here's the catch, you know these harsh realities are true, yet you just wanna go on with what you do. you engage in self delusion, that some things just won't happen, but they do in the end, as they always will, and have done. and then we come crying. we feel sad. disappointment. we feel weak. but weakness is something that we cannot have in us. it should not exist. for the sake of our people, we must be strong. hence, we should not feel. we should understand that life is just like a passing shadow, here and gone. that all man are expendable. we all will perish one day. including you and I. but for me, i don't know why i can't bring myself to govern my head with reason and void myself of emotion. reason does not have the power to hurt you. it can't when you subscribe to it fully. though by doing that i can free myself from pain brought about by emotions, i don't know why i'm not. i should learn. slowly. meanwhile, let me be ignorant, childish, free-spirited, to laugh and love, to cry and feel hurt. guess one day i'll learn from my mistakes. and recount the many times i willingly chose to get hurt when i was young.. and tell my children not to follow in my footsteps.. and the cycle continues yea.. hahax.. god makes a mockery of man.. but man's free will makes a mockery of himself.

hope i can freeze successfully for the next few days.. i like your smile, and the way you lie close to me.. but I'll forget these, for now.. hahax.. only for now maybe.. since currently, it's of great importance that i forget. and FOCUS. care to go out on friday? can chill out since it's e last day of exams.. =) how should i say it? i miss you.

[Status: Heart 60% frozen]

slashed at 1:14 PM .

Monday, March 16, 2009 .

Cousin's Wedding at Peninsular Excelsior Hotel. me and my sis at e stairs camwhoring.. =) LOL.. tt's 1 day off the mugging week.. hahax.. shall go make up for it now.. (: i learnt "(:" from a certain someone.. hahax.. cuter than :) somehow? lol.. shall not mention who, least i deviate from my focus again.. shall heed simjoo's advice n focus more on my revision.. gah.. 8 more days.. me is stressed out sia.. )': back to physics now.. (;

slashed at 3:25 PM .

Saturday, March 14, 2009 .

Idealist Portrait of the Counselor (INFJ)

Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).

slashed at 3:58 PM .

Your score on this personality test was 67%

 

Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

Personality Quiz
Take More Quizzes

slashed at 3:32 PM .

You Scored as Fire Sometimes people are afraid to approach you, either because of your reputation, how you look, or how you act. People under the "Fire" category often tend to stand out from the crowd. Either being very loud and bossy, or dressing extremely. Either way all Fires make excellent friends and would stand up for them no matter what. At first you may seem hard to approach but everyone who knows you, would hate to lose you. You can be posessive and clingy but a lot of people like it that way! You often prefer touch, like hugs or using your hands while you talk. You feel it expresses what you feel better than words. Fire 100% Light 88% Earth 88% Air 75% Water 69% Darkness 69% Ice 56%

slashed at 1:33 PM .

Friday, March 13, 2009 .

Hmm.. just got a fountain pen from dad! =) hahax.. yay.. can write with fountain pen le.. =D =D =D LOL.. I shall keep it for special occasions ba.. hmm.. gotta start mugging now.. ytd’s wg session was fun.. yea.. i probably will miss some special someone.. =) 3 weeks is gonna be a long time yea.. one week of pure mugging.. k shall start soon.. like now.. 2nite going 4 wedding dinner but dad can’t make it.. had to go for meeting in HK.. so sad.. hmm.. me gonna re-revise some stuffs.. cya~!

slashed at 1:56 PM .

1. Say it. When you say the words "I Love You", they should carry with them the desire to show someone that you love them, not what you simply want to feel. When you say it make sure you really mean it and are willing to do anything for that special person.

2. Empathize. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Rather than impose your own expectations or attempt to control them, try to understand how they feel, where they come from, and who they are. Realize how they could also love you back just as well.

3. Love unconditionally. If you cannot love another person without attaching stipulations, then it is not love at all, but deep-seated opportunism (one who makes the most of an advantage, often unmindful of others). If your interest is not in the other person as such, but rather in how that person can enhance your experience of life, then it is not unconditional. If you have no intention of improving that person’s life, or allowing that person to be themselves and accepting them as they are, and not who you want them to be, then you are not striving to love them unconditionally.

4. Expect nothing in return. That doesn't mean you should allow someone to mistreat or undervalue you. It means that giving love does not guarantee receiving love. Try loving just for the sake of love. Realize that someone may have a different way of showing his or her love for you, do not expect to be loved back in exactly the same way.

5. Realize it can be lost. If you realize that you can lose the one you love, then you have a greater appreciation of what you have. Think how lucky you are to have someone to love.

slashed at 1:40 PM .

Tuesday, March 10, 2009 .

lol.. eh.. lunch also so hard one.. hahax.. quite fail hor? hahax.. god's will ba.. though i dun really think he's testing my determination in patching up/ catching up wif ppl.. LOL.. maybe he knows tt all is fine n there's prolly no need to meet ba.. n he prolly like wants me to buck up in my studies.. dear god, please let maths be less complex, let pHails be history, let me reap more economies of scale, and charge me up with moments of magic.. =) dear god, please help me.. thank you.. oh wells, i shall start on my re-studying soon.. J.Goh is mad sia.. tmr wanna go through hydroxl compounds??? wth.. i'm bz struggling with my re-revision leh.. where got time to do your hydroxyl compounds? walao.. other classes lk U,V,W still on arenes leh.. wad's ur problem.. if i remember correctly, u did promise me that you'll go slow and let us understand all our work, when you first became our chem tutor.. gah.. ppl make and break promises so easily.. since you're a chem tutor your fail is spelt this way. --> pHail. wth la.. seriously lor.. oh wells.. gotta cope with this sorta things nowadays.. gd thing got study group which goes at a humane and understandable pace.. ;)

ok, shall go back to my work le.. should really stop blogging these days.. just felt like talking to the comp for awhile.. hahax.. yea, saw my ex-flowerpot J tdy.. dunno y i hear ur eyes telling me you've got sth to tell me? lol.. haven't talked to you in a long while cos i guess i'm not tt impt in ur life ba.. nvm.. seems lk i kena mind tricks again.. stupid invisible jedi around me..

mug chem. now. LOL. me is burning like a half-melted candle..

slashed at 9:36 PM .

Monday, March 09, 2009 .

Hmm.. patched up with a really close friend last night.. though I still kinda feel we’ve drifted apart during these times, it’s kinda long since I had the chance to sit down and chat with you.. time din permit I guess.. or just our TIMEtables.. oh well.. yea, you’re right, I guess I haven’t lost my touch..

hahax.. thought tt the only possible way of chatting with you would be to post messages on my blog tt only you would understand yea.. =) oh well.. I guess sometimes people get hurt when you tell them you don’t think they’re good enough as a close friend for you to add on facebook, even if tt’s like the last range of communication of knowing how each other is doing, which you’ll ever have after this year when we all leave on our life’s journeys.

u know, there are quite a lot of things I really don’t dare to tell you in person.. cos I’m afraid that it’ll strain our friendship.. so it’s these little things I keep to myself and the little nails you continue to stab through my heart, the times when I clearly know you’re trying to avoid me, the times when you choose to pretend you never knew I existed, the times when you found me irritating and told me to go away.

Maybe I’m just a sensitive guy, k, I’m not your average guy. I’m not strong, I’m not smart, and as much as I try to be, I fail at having an iron heart. I treasure relationships much more than I should. Much more than for my own good. ok, the only things I do best is live, love and fight. I care for good, kind people, if that helps put me in a better light. I guess when you don’t want people to remember you when they look at something you gave them, it does say something yea.. just that I can’t figure it out. well.. I’ve always liked my life as a two way traffic, but it doesn’t always work out yea.. heys, maybe we should meet someday to talk? Haven’t caught up with you in a long while.. yea, I kinda owe you lk 10 bucks le.. was quite bad without your supervision.. hahax.. and your arenes notes cos you din come tdy.. gosh.. lol.. heys, can we continue to be close friends? just two weeks ago I used to think that every person I trusted would drift away from me. Some shit destiny I have, that I don’t wanna believe it’s true.

slashed at 8:59 PM .

Saturday, March 07, 2009 . Christina Aguilera – Reflection

Christina Aguilera – Reflection

Look at me,

You may think you see

Who I really am,

But you'll never know me.

Everyday,

it's as if I play

A part.

Now I see,

If I wear a mask,

I can fool the world,

but I cannot fool my heart.

Chorus:

Who is that girl I see?

Staring straight,

Back at me.

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

I am now,

In a world

Where I have to hide in my heart,

and what I believe in.

But somehow,

I will show the world what's inside my heart,

And be loved for who I am.

Who is that girl I see,

staring straight

back at me?

Why is my reflection someone I don't know?

Must I pretend that I'm

someone else

for all time.

When will my reflection show,

who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free

to fly

That burns with a need to know

the reason why

Why must we all conceal

What we think

How we feel?

Must there be

a secret me

I'm forced to hide

I won't pretend that I'm

someone else

for all time.

When will my reflection show

who I am inside?

Christina Aguilera's Reflection. Simple piece, but says quite a lot of the world we live in.. life's like this, you let people know who you really are, and they'll use you against you. unthinkable? yes. possible? yes. well, i finally know someone who won't. and i think i can trust you. really really alot. =) HAHA.. yea man.. i like your personaility. 87% win. hardcore. my type of person.. only tt i bother to wear a mask outside to keep myself safe. =D lol.. hmm.. keen on crashing watchmen next friday? yea, it's illegal but i can guess you won't really care yea.. (;

slashed at 1:31 PM .

Sunday, March 01, 2009 .

Leaves fall into place like pieces of puzzle.
White lightning grazes into dark skies. Sliding. Dividing.
Poland, 1944.

An inferno of dreams. Weeping Soils.
Broken treble cleft rippling through toxic waters.
Cleaving dreams, time marches.
Death dances among destitute dregs.
Enough chances given.
Funeral organs stretch over black melodies.
Great spirits, liquidized hearts.
Homeless, helpless.
Jumping at the sign of dead flowers.

at my Zenith of consciousness, I really wish I wasn't there.



hahax.. my first poem. in free verse. crashed poetry course during WG camp, and got a crash course on poetry.. =D =D =D geddit? HAHA.. note the alphabets.. i purposefully did tt.. =)

WG camp was fun. err.. sujin is cute. (you want me to say this right?) HAHA.. but your voice is very good. no doubt a choir girl.. i like your voice. smooth, soft, soothing. i could just sleep in the TSD room if you had continued to sing yea.. very sorry tt i didn't know e lyrics 4 Hallelujah.. but i did catch e lyrics after some time.. i guess this is e first time you called my name rite? sounds really nice when you do tt.. hahax.. oh yea, your eyes are cute. amazing tt you're not wearing e freshkon lenses.. i really tht u were! =P lol.. anw, i'm kinda hooked on Hallelujah by jeff buckley.. e shrek theme song.. all your fault.. i needa do my chem revision 4 tmr's study group discussion leh.. can't have songs playing in my head! lol.. well, maybe i'll be able to sing it with you on thurs ba.. cya then! and thanks for the fun times at the camp! (oh anw, how did u know i liked green tea?) hahax..

slashed at 11:35 PM .