lol.. since my godsis zhiwei read my blog, i decided to read my blog too.. (since i have not read my blog in ages.) yea, i post and i dun read.. well done.. LOL.. i just realised.. i've matured quite a lot ba.. yea.. reading the oldest posts make me realise tt i was quite immature then.. my blogskin has changed thrice.. this being e 3rd one.. first was a black one.. from the template given.. then it was the matrix one.. the green and black.. idea from daniel's blog.. then to now.. i've slowly grown from the grades and power hungry sec1.. to the mugger sec2.. then to the fighter in sec3.. and the verbalist in sec4.. the psychic/religionist/psychaitrist in J1.. and all this while.. i've seen more and more of the world.. and i've got a better picture of all that matters to me.. i'm just thinking, it's not just about the grades and the need to be the best that's giving me the force to work now.. it's not the need to help others when i grow up.. yea, i used to think tt way.. very altruistic.. but i guess, wad matters most are the people around me.. and how they've helped me through.. and guided me.. yea.. thanks to my parents.. my godsiblings.. my dear J and S flowerpots.. now i think i know why i'm killing myself over my work.. i don't really know why, but i know the reason that i'm doing this is that it's cos i have to.. this is life, take it and hold it by the reins.. don't let the paper chase get into you. don't wither away. don't look back too many times. just go forth. meanwhile, we don't have to be so constrained.. let me relax.. have a drink or two.. curse a little.. swear at the way life's so screwed up.. and still be mugging my way home.. =)
cos life's still what it is, studies are important, and we do compromise on other aspects of our life, just to fit into what society defines as ideal. it's all a part of growing up, and getting to know what's realistic.. and throwing all those astronaut/pilot/fireman dreams.. hahax.. well, it was being a politician for me.. though i now realise that i might just feel that life sometimes has to belong to myself, instead of serving the society all this while. yea, sounds selfish rite? but to think of it, when you tire yourself over power struggles, just to get a position, to run a CCA well, you did it, people are happy, but it doesn't last.. a year and later and it fades away.. you can't keep making people happy all your life.. and for that temporary 1 year+ of trying to run the cca well, you've burnt away a lot of your youth and energy.. given to people who appreciate it, but only temporarily.. and then you ask yourself, was it worth it? for the past decade, my answer would be a definite yes. but now, my faith has shaken.
maybe it the thing people say about the sort of feeling you get from people, the feeling called love. you feed off it to survive. and it can suffice. it's hard to believe, but i'd rather die starving with my loved one than leaving her alone to save myself. it's power is strong. just like god's love for the good people of this land.. =) yea, he loves only the good people.
I realised something. if i want to get on with this sort of life, i just have to set a short term goal for myself, and stick to it, and work towards it like there's no tomorrow.. just like PSLE, and all 4 years of my sec sch life.. setting a short term goal will force you to have interest in all your subjects, as they contribute to you being able to achieve your goal. try to forget your ambitions.. try to forget that you wanna take business and law, so that now you'd be willing to spend time on chem, phy, and maths... yea.. maybe tt's it.. that's how things work..
it's good to have a blog.. hahax.. so you can reflect, and recall how you did things.. and call out the soutions to the problems that you once faced in your life.. the past acts as a guide to the present, and the future is defined by the present. ok, i'm talking too much crap.. all my paras dun have much link.. *oops..*
haiz.. i guess i'm just tried of sch life.. i'm just trying to live life in denial.. so that i can pull through these testing times.. i need enough evidence to convince myself of this denial.. and believe that it's true and not a type of denial.. (then only can it work, right?) HAHA.. wdv.. this is screwed up.. my brain is screwed up.. gah.. =(
slashed at 10:24 PM .
