Seconds, hours, so many days
You know what you want but how long can you wait?
Every moment lasts forever
When you feel you lost your way

And what if my chances were already gone?
Started believing that I could be wrong
But you give me one good reason
To fight and never walk away

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries!
There are no boundaries!

I fought to the limit to stand on the edge
What if today is as good it gets?
Don't know where the future's headed
But nothing's gonna bring me down

I've jumped every bridge and I've run every line
I've risked being saved but I always knew why
I always knew why!

So here I am still holding on!

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher, you can go deeper
There are no boundaries above and beneath you
Break every rule 'cause there's nothing between you and your dreams

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe

Yeah! There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries!

With every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
There are no boundaries!
There are no boundaries!
There are no boundaries!

Adam Lambert’s No Boundaries. Thanks vic. Yea, I feel much better now. sometimes when you’re down, someone comes by and says, “heys, I’ll help you. don’t give up.” and that strength is what you need to push yourself up.

"What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains immortal." --- Albert Pine.

Yea, found this in an old post. Sometimes I did think, so much for giving to the world and you get nothing in return. But after the note R passed me, I guess I truly understand what this quote meant. It’s not about people regarding you as a hero, and letting you take care of them well, to groom this society into a perfect one. (No, don’t get me wrong, I’ve not put aside the idea of creating a perfect society, I’ll make it happen one day, and at the least it’ll be better than this one. Yea, this is the least I can do for the society that I grew up in.) But it’s more about people remembering who you are, and what you did for them, and keeping it close to them, as you live forever in their hearts. It’s a warm feeling.

I’m feeling stronger now. I’ve the courage to go on. Thanks vic. I’ve been looping that song till my phone went flat.

oh, leo and elieen make a nice couple. heh.. sweet ba? all e best yea.. ice wine at your special day k? nth more nth less.. =) hmm.. i got one more couple to suan. HAHA. (gd thing none of them know this blog add.)

Sometimes when you’re down, it just takes a smile from someone special, that gives you the energy to strive on. Saw sujin during class break and after sch. hahax.. Yea. I feed on human souls. Welcome to my world.

I have the strength now.

slashed at 7:37 PM .

Sunday, July 19, 2009 .

i used to ask myself, what's the use of helping others, when in the end you just burn yourself out, give yourself unnecessary stress, and put your life at risk. worst thing is that some people blame you for helping them.

just a story: (after helping this guy's dad get away from some thugs, cos he owed them money.) "why did you save him? he beat me everyday. the blood on the wall is from my mum. i wish you were never here." "but he's your dad." "i don't have a father, and you're an idiot. get lost."

well, now you see that J's not the only reason why i gave up yea? i'd never know if i had made the right choices in what i did. i only did what i did because i din want anyone to get hurt. but by doing these things, maybe i was creating much more hurt in this world rather than reducing it. yea, and the day i gave up, the same day i gave up on the idea that i could find a pure heart in people.

heh.. hmm.. i see someone learnt how to encrypt text too.. =D

yea, feeling much better now.. just not very pleased with my grades.. so just v emo abt it. but i'm getting better. yea, i won't show it in sch. it's no point bringing misery to e ppl around you when you are emo rite. spreading happiness and sharing joy is one thing, but sharing emoness is certainly quite immoral.

slashed at 7:04 PM .

“Your self-devotion is abnormal. You do not try to save others at the cost of your own life. You simply do not consider your own life at all.” Had a weird dream. Really weird. But somehow, does make me remember of the visual novel Dlu sent me. Story from fate/staynight. Dreams sometimes have messages. Especially when you don’t usually dream, and haven’t had a dream since lk last year. (yes, I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I don’t dream at night usually. It’s just blackout till morning. lol..)

A Story of King Arturia.
The knights had to follow their king from their heart. They suppressed their dissatisfaction with the young king, as they saw he was perfect.

She tried to be an ideal king. Being an ideal king was the condition for their support.

There was no room for the human, Arturia.

A great knight who pulled out the holy sword, who did not age from that moment on, and one who won twelve great battles.

The more perfect she was, the more people kept away from her. The longer she stayed that way, the more isolated she became. That was her true identity, but she did well.

A king cannot allow her personal feelings to affect her decisions. She kills her emotions to make a decision, and the knights suppress their personal feelings to obey.

The price of that was a revolt against the king. “King Arthur does not understand human feelings.” Nobody wanted her to be human, but they revolted against her because she did not have human feelings. They pushed all problems onto her and cornered her.

But such trivial things are of no concern to a king. Her mind will not change even if she is abandoned, feared, or betrayed. Probably because she had made up her mind long before.

She abandoned her emotions the moment she decided to pull out that sword. What did the girl think before that? Before she realized it, an unknown magus was standing behind her. “You should think this through before you grab that.” He says he is not trying to frighten her, but that she should stop. “You will not be human once you take hold of the sword.”

He also said she would be resented by all humanity and die a miserable death. She could not have been without fear, because the magus showed her, the end she would face if she took the sword. But that just made the girl more determined. She nodded firmly, even when she was shown her future.

The magus asked her if she was fine with that. “Many people are smiling. I do not believe it will be a mistake.” She takes the sword.

The magus turns his back. “A miracle has a price. In exchange, you will lose the thing most important to you.” And leaves those prophetic words.

The girl only wanted to protect everyone. But to do so, she had to throw away the emotion of wanting to protect people.

She accepted it and pulled out the sword. She accepted it and swore to live as the king. The young girl decided to protect everything in exchange for her heart.

She still chose to fight, even if there was inevitable solitary ruin at the end.

slashed at 12:55 PM .

Saturday, July 18, 2009 .

Decided to do some blog surfing. Read my godsis simjoo’s blog. Heys, I’m so sorry if I’ve predicted you yea. I thought you’d want to spend time with your church group as usual, so naturally I didn’t want you to feel pressured by my calls each week. I know it’s hard to be torn between your faith and this friendship, so I din wanna make things hard, that’s all. Heys, I’ll call you tmr k? Smile.. 我以为你不是那么小气的嘛. =)

Going to slp soon.. was chatting with my godsis jiaying just now.. feeling much bttr and my mind is clearer about the things I wanna do with my life. thanks sis.. ok, I wun change myself. it’s a blessing. And yea, I do agree that it is now. =)

slashed at 10:53 PM .

Went amk hub ytd, cos R wanted to meet me for lunch. hahax.. passed me this letter for me from an old friend I helped. yea, I gave her R’s address and not mine, cos I dun really want ppl knocking at my door and my parents starting to know what’s going on. Heh.

Contents of the letter: “Raiden, where are you. You have not visited me for a long time. You know, I will forever not forget how you have helped me. I want to say thanks. Thanks to you that I have me and life. If not for angels, we would be in mortal danger all the time. They protect and defend us. When we slip, they hold on. And when we hurt, they provide comfort. When we are dejected, they encourage. I like this poem. I hope you like too. My dad talked to me yesterday and I have moved on in life. He has stopped gambling. Thank you for helping me, and being my guardian angel. I hope to see you one day.”

Almost cried when I read it ba.. at least teared a little which fogged up my vision and I guess my thoughts too. and sometimes when we think that the people whom we’ve helped are just like all other common people we see, that they’ll feel grateful only there and then, and then forget you and what you’ve done, then maybe this sort of thinking is wrong. well, a letter with queer sentence structures still does go a long way in melting my heart. I’ve totally forgotten about the incident since it was a long time ago, but R reminded me. I guess I’ve totally forgotten how it feels to be touched. So coincidental that I had e chain with me. Really brings back memories, especially how it got stuck in the pipe due to my bad judgement. heh. and there goes a story that there used to be this stupid guy who used to help people that he did not even know personally, just cos he hated to see them suffer. gone are they days. and I don’t think he’ll ever live that sort of life again. but it does make my day yea.

Some things that we just can’t predict do seem to change the course of our lives, and shake our decisions. Life has always been a chess game. Nothing being too unpredictable. But this? Well, it does make me want to drop the idea of taking up P13. nvm. I don’t know what I’m doing le. I’m just trying to do my best, and hope for the best. Things have never been like this. I’ve never had to worry about my grades and studies so much before. Yea, I’ve never had such bad grades b4. so I guess it’s time to do sth about them.

well, during then I din use my name. not very nice to have people looking you up. I don’t like popularity. Destiny comes round in circles. First met with R after lk 3 yrs. And now I’ve got a random letter from an old friend. A bit of a coincidence ba. Wanted to drop by probably after As to check on their family. Pity that I’ve forgotten the address and there’s no sender address written on the back. Gahhh.. --__-- blame my poor memory. Wasn’t that bad during then ba.. used to take 7 subs and now I’m having only 5 and I can’t handle it properly. Something is wrong with me la. And I’m trying my best to solve it.

nice that someone remembers you. it’s feels warm inside. and I’m happy. =) R’s also given up his days with that kinda life yea. asked me what I was going to do about all e stuffs going on. Too many around. Too many cases that he came across. Well, my godsis jiaying was telling me to learn how to be selfish, at least for once. Yea, I did say tt I’d try. So yea, I’m going to give it a try first k? I want a normal life. Just like any other ppl.

slashed at 10:10 PM .

Thursday, July 16, 2009 .

This is encrypted: ***

Decryption Key: (Name of my Classical Guitar)


Didn't feel like posting it, cos it's short and emo. and i'm fine and i don't want others to worry.

slashed at 10:38 PM .

Day 2 of P13. all’s going well, save tt I kinda divert back to 12 at times. Gah.. at this rate I might end up not being able to consciously control personality swaps. Met my godsis jiaying in e afternoon. Yay, I’ve finished electrochem le. hahax.. yea, talked abt random stuffs. Heys, hope you did learn sth abt controlling e chain whip yea. lifeskills ba. Take care of yourself k? it still pains me to feel ppl’s emotions from their eyes. And even when I’m running on P13. not a gd sign ba. I think I need to be careful. Oh well, nvm ba. Running on P13 does take a lot of burden off from you yea. in the sense tt you don’t feel the obligation to help ppl subconsciously. Life’s this way ba.. if you can’t beat them, join them. dun perish in the competition can le. most important thing now is staying alive, staying afloat, staying sane. Gah.

Hahax.. din expect to see S in e lib anw.. was talking to JY abt r/s, abt her, and all random things, but din think tt she’d be arnd anw. *oops* no wonder I randomly said tt I was running on P5 AND P7 then.. and I din know why too. great. The moment I turned my head I finally understood why. I’m damn win sia.. seems lk my LCM works subconsciously now. heh. maybe one day, 10 yrs down e road, I’ll walk into a meeting room and there’ll be a secretary who slides down from her chair whilst sitting on it. And I’ll just recall that there’s only one girl is this world who can do tt. Hahax.. seriously, you win sia. No one can ever duplicate that kind of skill. Heh.

Did I mention to you before that your smile clears out the frustration in my heart? thank you. I was feeling really bad this week yea. sometimes, the way you sleep on the chair, the way you bounce around, it makes me smile too. hahax.. (though the two guys behind u were definitely irritated. LOL..) guess I’m looking at a really innocent girl who hasn’t seen much of the world, to leave her iphone on the seat thinking tt no one would cope it, and acting like she doesn’t have a care in the world, oblivious to the people around. Stay sweet. I sometimes wish tt you’d stay in my life forever, though I know that’s not going to happen. “~illusions never changed, into something real.~” --- Natalie Imbrugilia. Treasure the times we have together ba.. as really close friends.

And I wonder how I’m going to get adjusted to P13 at this rate. As I have learnt from experience, freezing the heart is only a temporary measure. It does not work. Gah. And numbing takes 6 mths. I don’t have that luxury. Only way would be for me to totally become P13 I guess. And wholly believe in its ideals. That’s the fastest way, and most efficient. 3rd day tmr, I’ll let go of my controls.

slashed at 9:26 PM .

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 .

just helped my godsis jiaying clear up her r/s problems. yea, took up 1 night of my time. but i'm really happy tt everything's fine now. keep things tt way k? hahax..

i guess being a bad guy is tough. it's not as easy as it seems ba.. you just would revert back to your good self in no time. i wonder how ppl do it so easily. haiz..

oh wells. i'm quite lost now.

slashed at 9:54 PM .

Day 1 of personality 13. currently running on 4th. Ran on 4th the whole of last night, helping my godsis jiaying with her r/s problems. Seems tt I still can’t really assimilate the 13th yet. It’s a start. Class went as I expected. A little different now. But I’m still me I guess. I still have full control over the different personalities that I want to be. Not bad. So far so good, though there might come a time I’d have to let 13 control me, to truly become it. To truly become someone who cares only for himself, and grades are the one and only thing that matters. Ok. So much for that. I shall cut down the times I revert to my other personalities.

Was thinking of passing jiaying my chain whip this morning. But it rained quite heavily, so defeats the purpose ba. Nvm. Anw, it’s not much of learning from the movements, but it’s the mentality yea. Using a whip is different from using a pole or sword. When using a sword, you control the sword, and the more control you have, the better you are. Here, the less control you have on the whip, and the more you let it loose, the swifter it is. Hey sis, here’s some advice yea. Sometimes in life, we should relax our control on others, and let them lead us a little. A decision to hit a target is made by the wielder, but the wielder has to consider the instantaneous position of the whip at that moment. Wielding a whip, one cannot totally become one with the whip, but rather, become 2 entities working closely such that they are indeed different but think in tandem. I guess you’ll have to test it out to get what I mean yea. Similarly, relax your grip on him and let him interfere with the decisions in your life. Just like the whip, you’ve to consider its position, and where it’s coming from. Only then, can the execution of the thrust be swift and flowing. This might make him feel better and feel more secure about the relationship, since you’re willing to let him into your life. It would serve to strengthen the bonds between you two yea. Though some things you’ll understand slowly only after observation. I’ll pass it to you if you need it ba. All e best to you two.. Stay as the cute couple always! Hahax..

Ok, it’s a gd thing I’ve brought it out. Though I’d thought I’d have left that life behind. I guess I know now. To indeed become 13, I have to let it control me during the time when I am it.

slashed at 5:29 PM .

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 .

was mugging with jesulyn at e library tdy aft sch.. hahax.. somehow mugging in library gives me a higher efficiency than mugging at home yea. must finish sampling tut by tdy ba.. finished the hard part just now.. so now doing the rest. thanks for accompanying me. =) feels bttr than mugging alone. jes asked me a qn, "hey i ask u a sensitive qn k? do you like S?" well done. need to be more discreet ba.

1 hr and 55 mins more. i guess when i wake up another person, i'll miss the old me.

slashed at 8:07 PM .

i'm in the school library now. don't know why im doing this but i'm just feeling like crap yea. just screwed up a lot of my grades. econs din improve much, but it's comparable considering that the highest in the level is 63, the average is S, and so E should be above average. other subs were shit la. and GP was crap since i chose the wrong topic. too many ppl did tt topic. yea, i thought it was easy. and many other ppl thought it was easy too. bloody damn shit. going to finish my sampling tut now. i'm rushing against time yea. gd thing i have my dad's watch to help me keep track, though it's strap came off, and i need super glue. guess even the watch is disappointed with me. i should just go kill myself.
saw my godsis simjoo just now at e canteen. yea, looks lk i dun have much to say and yet have a lot to say. but i can't find an opportunity yet yea. hope you're fine sis, i know i don't message you now, (yea, cos i get annoyed at lag replies, which i recently found out from eileen that it's quite common to lag. and i don't have to heart to get annoyed at you because i know we just have different perspectives yea.) and you don't come on msn too, so i can't really catch up with you. wish you all the best yea. hope you're well, take care.
i don't know anything anymore ba. i'm thinking, thinking of rewiring my brain to work like all the other ppl around me. if you can't beat them, join them. that's prossibly the only way to survive. or drown in such horrendous grades. just thought tt i'm improving much by reducing my personality count from 28 to 12. i'm making a 13th one today. and now. another new me. it's only temporary, from now till after As. to my close friends who nkow me well, i haven't changed yea. i'm just doing this to stay alive. my godbro vic was telling me last wk tt i needed to learn to be more selfish, and learn to start thinking for myself instead of others. i'll put tt into this new personality. guess it's goodbye to the warm heart who had done all so many things for the society and the people around him. i feel just this undescribable sadness overwhelming me. why can't a person survive in a testing environment whilst possessing altruistic ideals and helping people around him at the same time?
i was just thinking. and then i think i found the answer. if everyone around you was hard hearted, and you were the only one who was kind, you'd be continuously giving, and there'd be no returns. why? because people treat others in the same way as they expect others to treat them, and they've never wanted to help, neither to expect help. good souls are few yea. i'll save my 7th personality for monday mornings. hopefully, that'll keep me sane. but from now on, i'll live the 13th.
i'll have to rewire my concepts and beliefs. tomorrow, a different person looks in the mirror. haiz. i'm just afraid that this new personality might overwhelm me, and become me permanently. because the first 12 are inherently good. this is a far cry from what i'd define as good. but looking at the situation, i guess i have not much choice. it's either i continue to screw up and screw up my entire life, never being able to make a difference in people's lives again, or i change to become who i despise and survive this test and then remember who i truly am again. i don't give up. i'm willing to take the risk.
to my godbros and godsisters, if i ever turn to what i'd never wished i'd become, then pass me a gift i've given you before. and maybe i'll remember who i used to be. thanks.
goodbye world. and in 9hrs and 38 mins, welcome again.

slashed at 3:26 PM .

Sunday, July 12, 2009 .

monday tmr. thinking of msging my study group. hmm.. haven't seen my godsis simjoo in a long time.. oh wells, different people have different priorities ba.. i don't like to impose my will onto people yea.. =) hey sis, you take care yea? should meet up with you some time ba.. maybe you'll pop by one day and read this msg yea..

haix.. busy days coming back le.. electrochem, sampling tut.. and welcome back to reality. oh, a new way of insulting someone: "strontium you." hahax.. go figure.

slashed at 7:14 PM .

i guess our society enjoys it's conservative outlook. complaining about burger advertisements. so much for maturity and freedom of expression. we are so going to lag behind our American counterparts at this rate. PM Lee's trying to relax the hard handed laws from his father, and we've people who pick on the nitty gritty. a really good way to spend time yea. i guess people need to open their eyes to the world outside. welcome to globalization. you'd better embrace it. because you don't have a choice.

slashed at 3:50 PM .

people mature when they grow up. people see the world better now. when white is in fact black, and black in fact white. guess i'm not going to involve myself in those sort of stuffs anymore yea. i'm putting aside my stuffs. chains, books.. unless i'm really sure that something is definitely going wrong and i can stop it, then i guess i will. other than that, i guess i'm washing my hands of this sort of life. now and forever. just like i promised you, J. =) i used to think that i might one day return if times get bad, but it's not going to happen le. when we see the bigger picture, we realised that through trying to become a whiter soul, you've done nothing towards that effort, as the people you've helped might as well be good and bad, black and white, and an exact 50% chance of you helping the good or bad guy. well done, your karma might stay at square 1. but you did what you did with good intentions, so yea, i don't regret it. not yet, least i find out that i've wronged someone. yea, i hate "wronging" people, cos i hate to be wronged myself yea.

was just thinking, if people can turn over a new leaf, then it's no point punishing them. it's better for them to learn from their mistakes and realise what they're doing is wrong. they'll appreciate it more, and you'd have one more person helping you to convert others towards a better life. much better than deleting evils as you see them pass. you're not showing any mercy towards a person who can change for the better, and you'd lose a possible good person in society, who might help you in your cause towards making a better society, since he's have every reason to.

mhmm.. so as long as no one gets physically hurt, i'm not going to intervene anymore. period.

something that was on my mind a few minutes ago whilst reading the papers. yea, the Ultimatum was indeed a good show, and i've kinda found it plot good enough to intrigue me. not as good as the big time movies yea, but it's definitely better than the bloody shitty soap operas which receive higher ratings. singaporeans don't appreciate artistic impressions of society. yea, in case you don't know, The Ultimatum is a serial that portrays the worst in people, different characters possessing different sins: lust, greed, pride.. the 3 most common sins, and conscious ignorance, and self-delusion. yea, it shows the worsts of human nature, a true reflection of what is indeed happening around us in the hearts of many. yea, people don't want to watch it, and appreciate it. so they find excuses for themselves, and say it has bad plots, and too much violence, and what nots.. well? true reflection of conscious ignorance yea? choosing to avoid the truth of human nature. i bet if a similar serial was shown in the US, it definitely would achieve much better ratings than here. just like the Heroes series yea? and in singapore, people complain about the teen sex scenes between claire and west, and sylar's bloody massacre of his victims. one thing for sure, i can tell that singaporean viewers are indeed superficial, and they don't understand the director's intentions and the underlying mesages that he's trying to put across. he gives a pictoral representation of what is really the true nature of our society, and people think he's doing the extremes. yea, parents are so protective of their kids, and not wanting to let them know about the world outside, but it won't help them one bit yea. they'll never be able to understand the workings of the world, and those marginalised individuals will continue to marginalised. summing up of majority of singaporeans: selfish, and ignorant bunch of f***ed up b******s. i guess if any of these sort of people cross my path, i won't hesitate to give them a wake up call/fist.

yea, i hate overly conservative people. you talk alot about the rape scenes on TV and how it would influence society badly, but you don't stop to help out when someone is being raped or whacked up at the playground behind the bishan library. this is happening in reality, and you just walk away yea? sickening bunch of hypocrites. i should just throw 2 jabs to these people for every one fist i deliver to those guys. you deserve it more. those people are just misled, and they don't know the consequences of their actions, but you as grown adults should know better. i'm just an 18 yr old kid, so shame on you, indeed.

yea, violence and rape exists. no point trying to cover it up. i totally support a free media, let people understand society through the media. you out there who thinks that the media is desensitizing sex and violence, have not opened your eyes big enough to see all around you. and it's high time you do so. i don't hate people who stay in their cinderella's story, cos some people are just brought up like that and it isn't their fault. but i hate those who consciously choose to believe and stay in their frog's well, and cover up the evils that are happening all around us. if you choose to ignore them, they will continue to exist.

ok, sorry for the rants. i just hate hypocrites and selfish bastards. and i won't hesitate to smash them, and destroy their lives. these are indeed the people who don't deserve life. not those who commit crimes because they are driven to desperation. they can change for the better, but hypocrites? i haven't seen a hypocrite change. yet. guess there will be work to be done.

slashed at 2:05 PM .

Saturday, July 11, 2009 .

chatted with zhiyuan ytd.. hahax.. saw a few of my sec1s when i was a PSL.. now all grown up le.. sec3s.. glad that they're leading their lives as nice people yea.. and not the scheming self centered people i see everyday.. hahax.. yea, thanks for remembering me too.. somehow glad that i've made a difference in some people's lives.. yea, me seeing them playing frisbee tgt as a class, without leaving anyone out, treating each other as brothers.. it does make me feel as if i've created a team of people with strong bonds with each other, willing to stick together, and through thick and thin. it's a nice feeling. =)

was talking to my mum just now, about life and what we'd be up for in life. somehow ended up talking about drinking and smoking and i told her i'd never touch a cigarette in my life. heh. yea, i won't. but well, drinking is another issue yea. but i certainly don't drink for the sake of it, but i just like tasting good wines slowly.. HAHA.. well, e convo went on and on.. 1st time i'd had a heart to heart talk with my mum yea.. maybe it's cos my sis was at SMU and dad was downstairs..

well, but my mum did say sth tt made me rethink some things i did yea.. "people don't become robbers and thugs because they want to, and some may just be driven into desperation that they become who they are. god just wasn't fair to them. and that probably was their only way out."

yea.. i'd never thought of that. whatever i did, whatever i used to do, i used to think the world
was just black and white. maybe some bad hearted people had excess $$, and this guy driven into desperation just had to take some away from them.. and by punishing him, we're actually doing more evil than good for society. sometimes, things aren't always what they seem. to look into each person's eyes before deciding whether the guy is merely driven into desperation, or is truly desiring to make others' lives miserable, is just not possible.. you'd probably end up killed if you were to take a few seconds to look into the man's eyes to evaluate. and that's not possible.

one thing for sure, i don't want to get killed. and yea, what my mum said does make a lot of sense. i'm leaving the past behind me for now. and i'm not really sure if i want anyone to follow in my footsteps either.

hmm.. 2 spanners attached to each other with a small metal chain. 1 small spanner attached to a long metal chain. stress relievers. hahax..

slashed at 9:43 PM .

Friday, July 10, 2009 .

"To stand up when standing wasn’t easy"

yea, quote from street fighter: chun li.

well, it's true yea. standing isn't easy, but we've still gotta stand yea? my dad gave me a watch some time ago. in fact, quite a long time ago. hahax.. a connoisseur 2002 signature. limited edition automatic jewel that will never die out.. heh.. cos it works by winding, and not on batteries.. well, i guess it was the only companion i had while i was doing my math practices at the library tdy yea.. i guess i'll be wearing it often now.. just for fun ba.. and helps me keep better track of time. yea, psychological effect of having a round faced clock instead of the digital one.. thanks dad. i'll do my best, as much as i can, to be who you want me to be.

well, all childern want to make their parents proud, don't they? i didn't have an object to fuel my energy in my studies. but now i do. it's actually quite easy yea. but you need luck.

you need to be lucky enough for someone to wish that you'd study hard and score well, and the wish has to be true and sincere. and then he just has to pass you that object, and that object will become your energy to accomplish your goals, if your goals are what the well-wisher has wished for. hahax.. that why i always hoped for a true friend, and an imperishable good for my birthday. cos that's what i can hang on to, and rely on. yea, i'm not as strong as people seem to think, but appearances have to be kept yea? though inside, i need a pillar to hold on to. and i've found one. thanks dad.

slashed at 9:20 PM .

Thursday, July 09, 2009 .

sadness, anger, resignation, helplessness..

some things we need a cure for. some things there isn't a cure for.

some things we need a cure for. some things the cure is within ourselves.

some things we need a cure for. some things we just cannot cure.


霍元甲：我以为，世上的武术确实没有高低之分，只不过习武的人才有强弱之别。通过竞技我们可以发现和认识一个真正的自己，因为我们真正的对手，可能就是我们自己。

slashed at 8:37 PM .

Every night , someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.

There are at least two people in this world that would die for you.

You mean the world to someone.





well, we keep thinking it over again and again don't we? guess we've gotta take care of ourselves for the people who care for us.. =)

slashed at 8:33 PM .

From an old friend of mine.. a forwarded mail and i thought i'd copy and paste it here.

[I honestly believed this was an "entity" an "energy" that had come in as a result of his having to be someone else when he is so upset with his life. In order to survive daily, he had to create someone/something else to accept the treatment he has had to receive from his parents. I think this takes a kind of brillance in the human makeup. We can create something/someone else to accept what we can't. Something that can't be hurt. We create it in our imagination and it works for us. I think when we want to survive, we do. This is brilliant! Einstein said "The Imagination is more powerful than knowledge". This I believe is true. What is real, what is not and how are we affected by either?]

the human mind is strong. we can only be as strong as we think we can. it's faith. faith in oneself. and faith in what we are. and in testing times, i guess we all need faith. i need faith. to move on.

slashed at 7:03 PM .

And things do change a lot.. went back to RI for lunch with jiahong, jj, suichuan, randy.. and some other ppl.. yea, basically, my class la.. hahax.. reminiscing about the old canteen, the 1st floor that was lk 2 storeys high, the green pillars that were like 1m in diameter.. can out ur hands around it.. hahax.. and I still remember some stupid guy who was running for RIPB elections, who pasted his posters all around the pillar. Basically just wallpapered it.. (or pillar-papered it.. HAHA) time files, and I was still thinking of the times in sec 1during guitar camp, when vic and I went to the Gryphon’s Lair to play the piano and sing in the middle of the night.. (yea, was after night games I think..) damn cool.. and each time during breaks I still remember going to the gryphon’s lair to sleep on the old sofas.. old la, but comfy.. hahax.. and there were these random scouts who would dance to linkin park’s numb, and shinhwa’s perfect man.. familiar ba? Yea, those were the days.. heh.. the days when studying used to be an occasional thing.. optional, if you want to get a 4.0.. hahax.. otherwise, just listen in class, do ur homework, read through notes, can get at least 3.6 de..

Oh man.. I really hate it when ppl ask abt ur results, and after you tell them, they go, “eh, but I thought you mug a lot de?” --__-- wdv la.. it’s cos I’m not as smart as you tt’s why I gotta mug, not that I like mugging. And it’s bad enough for the person concerned with his grades le yea.. so dun add on la.. k? haixzz.

slashed at 6:05 PM .

Wednesday, July 08, 2009 .

Arms are really tired. Aching biceps.. gah.. was training chinups ytd and I guess I went I little too far.. oh wells, at least can still move ba.. internet’s moving at a really slow speed.. chem was badly done ba.. unexpected, but oh wells.. =( sad la.. haiz.. and these are the times we feel like giving up hope in ourselves..

doing one topic of practice a day. hope things will get better..

slashed at 6:02 PM .

Tuesday, July 07, 2009 .

was at the gym tdy.. training for chinups.. doing lats.. then decided to do the leg press, and finally found out the reason why my back was hurting for so long.. --__--"

oh, life is like a bejeweled game. go play and infer what i mean.. =)

slashed at 7:19 PM .

Monday, July 06, 2009 .

M2M - The Day You Went Away

Well I wonder could it be

When I was dreaming 'bout you baby

You were dreaming of me

Call me crazy, call me blind

To still be suffering is stupid after all of this time

Did I lose my love to someone better

And does she love you like I do

I do, you know I really really do

Well hey

So much I need to stay

Been lonely since the day

The day you went away

So sad but true

For me there's only you

Been crying since the day

The day you went away

-

I remember date and time

September twenty second

Sunday twenty five after nine

In the doorway with your case

No longer shouting at each other

There were tears on our faces

And we were letting go of something special

Something we'll never have again

I know, I guest I really really know

The day you went away

Why do we never know what we've got 'til it's gone

How could I carry on

The day you went away

Cause I've been missing you so much I have to say

Been crying since the day.

The day you went away,



this song brings back some sad memories.. well, what's past is past yea.. a little message to a special someone.. "well I wonder could it be.. when I was dreaming 'bout you baby, you were dreaming of me.." =) msg me.

slashed at 8:49 PM .

thought of going to archery outing tdy.. but mum was being anal about studying and H1N1.. --__--" sigh.. sianx lor.. or even if i din get chance to go 4 e outing, i'd have gone for pool with S. oh wells.. guess gotta wait till there's another opportunity yea. HAIZ.. and i want a peach barcardi.. brezzers are nice. hahax.. ok, i shall give myself one if i get an A yea.. :)

slashed at 8:43 PM .

Saturday, July 04, 2009 .

damn pissed la. 3rd day after exams n my parents want me to study again.. seriously i'm damn pissed la. friggin pissed. just shut up. bloody hell. f*** off. i hate you. if you're not my mum i'll have smashed you as i've done to every single selfish vain idiot without a conscience. i know i have a bad temper. and you as my mum should know even better. and i shouldn't have told you about the ticket prize. irrirated hearing your voice. i can do things on my own, and i don't need someone to tell me what to do. i want me back.

i hate this sort of life. i think i'm just going to move out any chance i can. really envy those families who have parents that understand them, love them, hug them, shelter them, and give them all they need to grow, and become useful people, good people with good hearts. not nuturing them to become selfish idiots and well oiled machines. i need a pillar of strength to rely on, to guide me along.

i'll just go escape into my utopian world. and think that when i open my eyes this would all just have been a dream.

slashed at 9:33 PM .

Friday, July 03, 2009 .

watched watchmen last night. till lk 1. hahax.. watched 明明 and the lookout tdy. yea, all 3 were quite gd ba.. normal.. the twists were gd. lol. all 3 had twists. right.. hahax.. watchmen had quite some meaning ba.. not bad for a movie about superheroes. no wonder S got the visual novel after watching e movie. hahax.. yea, i agree with you, it's not bad ba.. at the last part of the movie john manhattan decided to shoulder the blame for the world's nuclear disaster, which "killed millions, but saved billions" (according to the villian ozymandias.) the end of the movie shows manhattan, night owl, and silk spectre understanding the doings of ozymandias. he wasn't the typical comic book villian who wants to take over the world.. well, he wanted to be the most powerful person, and then he was, but people hated him for his merciless killing of millions of innocents. but his killing of a few million and blaming it on manhattan (cos he was using manhattan's energy signature), cleared up the tension of the arms race and mutual annihilation in the cold war. so it was a blessing in disguise for man, after the two superpowers decided to make peace to unite and survive a common enemy.

oh, watched transformers tdy. (finally). hey vic, it's not half star film lor.. the critics dun really know how to rate don't they? or they're just not used to the CGI and graphics of things blowing up. lol.. some ppl who have never watched the first film won't know nuts.. and older people who can't follow colours and faces that well, shouldn't comment too much. cos it's not the film's problem, they're just trying to be as close to the original comicbook storyline as possible yea.. so yea, if you wanna know e robots' names, go watch the first film. haha.. but it was quite spectacular ba.. definitely NOT 0.5 star. i give it 4 stars ba.. =) yea, i give the dark knight 5, just a gauge yea. (:

quite like the quotes by optimus prime yea..
"Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing." ----- Optimus Prime, Transformers

yea, optimus prime is cool. quite like the way he thinks yea.. the first part of the movie showed the president's envoy disliking the way the military were using the autobots to kill decepticons instead of using their own american weaponry, and for better causes like fighting wars.. and he came up with a postulation that the reason why the decepticons were still on earth wrecking havoc was because they wanted to take revenge on optimus and the autobots for killing megatron. so he wanted them to leave, take their war someplace else, chasing them away after they had saved the earth in the first movie. amazing thing is that optimus insisted on staying, and fighting the war that wasn't actually his, but just between the fallen and the humans. (the fallen wanted to take the energy source fron earth, in the process killing life on earth and restoring it in the decepticons home planet.) yea, despite being despised, he insisted on staying to protect the humans. despite ironhide suggesting that they leave and play safe, (least they are under fire by both humans and decepticons) he decided to stay on earth.

some stark contrasts, between the autobots, and the decepticons. optimus prime decided to stay despite the chance that he would be involved in a war that wasn't his, and might die in the process(which he did, though he was revived in the end) and starscream's decision that cowards sometimes live longer, before megatron left with him.. i guess this is what they mean by honor yea. to protect the things that you know you have to, though you don't get anything from it.

self sacrifice is rarely seen nowadays yea. it's just mutual fighting, and killing.. among our own kind.. like how a decepticon was torn apart to revive megatron.. killing the smallest in the group.. sometimes, a 0.5 star rating movie can give some really profound insights to human behaviour. (oh, i rate it a 4.) well, here we are in our society, where the government has trained us over the ages, to be a people who will fight to be first, since we are a small country and we need that fighting spirit for survival. well, and now it's done, even instilled into the minds of innocent young children, where they compete with each other at a very young age, to become better than each other, to become the best, and employing any methods to do so. doesn't that make us no different from the decepticons? cowardly, self centered, and savage?

well, i thought it over ba.. vic was telling me that sometimes, we've gotta be selfish and love ourselves first in order to achieve our goals, cos no one is gonna work with us together, and in singapore, everyone is a man for himself. i can't study in such an environment yea.. it's different from RI style where everyone is one for all, all for one. but it's the truth out there in the working world, so i guess the govt is preparing us for what we have to face in life. i thought of maybe studying in another country, like the US, where the environment isn't competitive, but united. but well, it's a disadvantage when i return yea? i'd probably won't be able to see the true colours of people as i can now.. since i'd probably believe that the world out there's just like the friends i have, kind, good natured. but it isn't. and we all know that. oh wells. human nature cultivated over the years is hard to change. especially if your parents are the ones instilling those kind of selfish behaviour in you. guess i've gotta thank my dad, and mum too, though she sometimes is quite selfish to some extent. but i've grown up this way, brought up with the right values as a person, to care for others, though i might lose out to the devious people out there, i'll at least go down with honour. yea, maybe autobots have "pure hearts", and it just occured to me that yea, i made teh right decision of choosing a few good members to be in the archery exco, even though i really hated it cos i din get my chair post cosi knew i was definitely cut for the job. selfishness would have led me to either heck care, or even worse, go help some screwed up ppls, to screw up the next group of ppls. well, guess i'm not that bad as i think i am yea. heh. seeing optimus prime does give me some consolation that i've done the right thing, not for my personal self and emotions or hate, but for the good of everyone. yea, i'm happy.

oh, and at least the children who watch transformers would learn a little from their heroes, and become bttr people? hahax.. gd movie ba.. teaches some values, and a lot of meaning behind it. yups..

i finally found the reason why i can't seem to learn to forgive people each time i try. i now know why, and it's cos of the fact that i give myself too high expectations of who i should be. so i use these expectations to shape myself into what i want myself to become. i give myself a criteria to follow. and i use that same criteria to judge people, and in the same way as i treat myself, i'm not able to forgive them, as much as i'm not able to forgive myself. when someting challenges the principles that we hold dear, we tend to reject it, and want it out of our lives. but i realised sth tdy. sth about forgiving. one must first be able to forgive himself, to be able to forgive others. if you can't forgive yourself for a similar mistake that you have made, no way are you going to be able to forgive a person who's committed that same mistake against you.

guess that's some headway ba.. i'll try. slowly.. start by forgiving ourselves, then we'll be able to forgive others yea. we must first be able to feel how it is like to be forgiven, and when we appreciate the forgiveness that we've longed for so much, we'll want to make others feel the same way. since we know how it's like to feel forgiven after doing sth wrong.

i know what went wrong, and why i'm so unforgiving. it's cos i always let logic rule my actions, and always think and carry out actions which are for the betterment of others, and not myself. and in that way, i've not felt guilty, neither have i felt the need to be forgiven. and it's so many years just like that, till life becomes a chess game. logical, and never letting emotions overrule logic. at least not as many times as a common man. hmm.. but i'm learning yea. to my godsis jiaying, i guess we just need to learn to forgive ourselves before we can forgive others. just a realisation yea. but i think it works. makes a lot of sense. (:

slashed at 5:35 PM .

Thursday, July 02, 2009 .

Bruce Lee's ultimate imbaness.. damn pro sia.. hahax.. ppl gotta train lk few yrs to become lk tt.. =)

slashed at 7:50 PM .

last paper tdy. yay. phy was just average la.. not easy. maybe can get B.. lol.. went with vic n jiakai to PS 4 lunch afterwards for lunch n movie. saw my godsis zhiwei on e train with her bf. HEH. i shan't say too much l8er kena. yea, din want to be a lightbulb. HAHA.. went PS at 11, ate, then decided to stone till 1. went yamaha to reminince the good old guitar days.. still can remember how to play 七里香.. hahax.. went to see all the toys. quite amused by the darts and guns. vic said it reminded us of childhood. =) heh. and the wolverine retractable and extendable claws thingy was kinda childish but cool.. hahax.. oh, went to this CD shop and stoned. saw this album by ashley tisdale. yea, reminded me of sujin. HAHA.. you should go look at the front cover album "Guilty Pleasure". lol.. really. omg.. hahax.. the side angle pic la. you have her eyes.. cool ba? ;) don't believe me? take a look at the album cover below.



HAHA.. oh you know, i was listening to Jewel's Foolish Games, which reminded me of you too. so yea, i was so surprised to see you at the basement of PS. HEH. heys, miss you a lot yea! should go pool someday with you. so sad you've got chinese LC tmr.. or else can pool wor.. but all e best yea. so sry sat n sun i can't make it, cos my mum's really anal abt H1N1, and i've no excuse for her if it's a weekend.. oh wells, i still miss you a lot. all e best for ur LC tmr!

oh, watched duplicity at GV. lol.. n i've got this cruise 1 for 1 thingy from a lucky jackpot at GV.. hahax.. can sell on facebook for some $$ ba.. usual price $1472 for 2 persons. and this thingy allows you to get on it at $817. hahax.. selling at $100 yea. ok, shall rest these days ba.. start work on sat ba.. me wanna rest my mind. =D

slashed at 6:11 PM .

	Jewel - Everytime I see You Falling
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

slashed at 6:11 PM .

Wednesday, July 01, 2009 .

chem was fine.. hahax.. think/hope can get A or B.. =) yay.. yes ms goh, i've worked hard hor.. cannot say i slack.. i like the jiayoux remarks that good teachers use to encourage their students yea.. makes them feel that their efforts are recognised n appreciated.. =D (yea, i know about all the bullshit about needing to be independent learners, and self-motivated. but i'm not k? sorry, i'm not your perfect RJ student..) thanks ms goh.. thanks for being such a nice teacher. i guess it's just this class that's too smart that makes you feel like giving up on teaching, but you shouldn't yea.. if i get A for chem, i'll buy sth 4 you ba.. teachers need appreciaton too. =) physics tmr! =)

slashed at 2:16 PM .