i'm in the school library now. don't know why im doing this but i'm just feeling like crap yea. just screwed up a lot of my grades. econs din improve much, but it's comparable considering that the highest in the level is 63, the average is S, and so E should be above average. other subs were shit la. and GP was crap since i chose the wrong topic. too many ppl did tt topic. yea, i thought it was easy. and many other ppl thought it was easy too. bloody damn shit. going to finish my sampling tut now. i'm rushing against time yea. gd thing i have my dad's watch to help me keep track, though it's strap came off, and i need super glue. guess even the watch is disappointed with me. i should just go kill myself.
saw my godsis simjoo just now at e canteen. yea, looks lk i dun have much to say and yet have a lot to say. but i can't find an opportunity yet yea. hope you're fine sis, i know i don't message you now, (yea, cos i get annoyed at lag replies, which i recently found out from eileen that it's quite common to lag. and i don't have to heart to get annoyed at you because i know we just have different perspectives yea.) and you don't come on msn too, so i can't really catch up with you. wish you all the best yea. hope you're well, take care.
i don't know anything anymore ba. i'm thinking, thinking of rewiring my brain to work like all the other ppl around me. if you can't beat them, join them. that's prossibly the only way to survive. or drown in such horrendous grades. just thought tt i'm improving much by reducing my personality count from 28 to 12. i'm making a 13th one today. and now. another new me. it's only temporary, from now till after As. to my close friends who nkow me well, i haven't changed yea. i'm just doing this to stay alive. my godbro vic was telling me last wk tt i needed to learn to be more selfish, and learn to start thinking for myself instead of others. i'll put tt into this new personality. guess it's goodbye to the warm heart who had done all so many things for the society and the people around him. i feel just this undescribable sadness overwhelming me. why can't a person survive in a testing environment whilst possessing altruistic ideals and helping people around him at the same time?
i was just thinking. and then i think i found the answer. if everyone around you was hard hearted, and you were the only one who was kind, you'd be continuously giving, and there'd be no returns. why? because people treat others in the same way as they expect others to treat them, and they've never wanted to help, neither to expect help. good souls are few yea. i'll save my 7th personality for monday mornings. hopefully, that'll keep me sane. but from now on, i'll live the 13th.
i'll have to rewire my concepts and beliefs. tomorrow, a different person looks in the mirror. haiz. i'm just afraid that this new personality might overwhelm me, and become me permanently. because the first 12 are inherently good. this is a far cry from what i'd define as good. but looking at the situation, i guess i have not much choice. it's either i continue to screw up and screw up my entire life, never being able to make a difference in people's lives again, or i change to become who i despise and survive this test and then remember who i truly am again. i don't give up. i'm willing to take the risk.
to my godbros and godsisters, if i ever turn to what i'd never wished i'd become, then pass me a gift i've given you before. and maybe i'll remember who i used to be. thanks.
goodbye world. and in 9hrs and 38 mins, welcome again.
slashed at 3:26 PM .
